"Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but checks when you say the paint is wet?"."Change is inevitable-except from a vending machine.".You'll have trouble putting on your pants. "It's never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground."Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."."Women should not have children after 35."Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust."."Knowledge is power, and power corrupts.Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." "Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day."Always borrow money from a pessimist.But it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." "A positive attitude may not solve all your problems.But sometimes, it's the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe." "Letting go of a loved one can be hard.You need a parachute to go skydiving twice." "You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.The problem is no one runs in your family." The problem isn't that obesity runs in your family."The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast."."Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal!"."Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen.".My first experience with culture shock? Probably when I peed on an electric fence."."My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance."A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.".But teach a man to fish, and you saved yourself a fish, haven't you?" "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.I realized that the other day inside my fort." But it was no match for me at kickboxing." But I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that." "I'm skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day.It's pretty cute until it poops on your head." Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad." "Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.I get to the end and I think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'" "I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs." "I always take life with a grain of salt.This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths." Clever one-liners to have on-hand Shutterstock Commit them to memory, and you'll have your friends laughing so hard they won't even remember why the conversation had lagged in the first place. Here are 60 funny, clever, and oh-so-smart one-liners that are perfect for any occasion.
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